It's been two months since i last blogged. Guess i gave up on my resolution to blog regularly...to express myself better. Not enough time? i doubt it there's always time where i spent doing nothing. CBB more likely. I dunno something came over me today a sudden surge of depression hit me....i think i just came face to face with reality again...it's funny
People usually fit uni around social lives but i fit social lives( or lack of) around uni. All i can say is that i came to realise that i am really not living my life to the fullest. If i died tomorrow ill regret that i havent lived my life the way i 'wanted' to. It's sad but yet no matter how much i want it, to pursue it i just cant do it. it's pathetic of me seriously. I shouldn't complain really, it's my fault that i dont strive to live the life i want to . i'm just hesitating hoping it will come to me. Afraid to take a step out of my comfort zone yet wanting to be out of it
I think it really hit me because i realised my lack of social interaction skills and my situation in general. I see 'people who i wont name' living life, experiencing new things, free from worries, career paths set and enjoying uni while i sit here thinking to myself...i could have been them but it just wasn't meant to be...well up till now.
I dunno...i'm just filled with so many insecurities my whole life...when i think back on it...i just keep thinking my life has always had a problem in it one way or another...and everytime when one problem finally ended another one comes up... Right now i still have a problem...unsure of my career path....unsure of my social life...unsure of everything....is it because i expect too much....? i really don't know.
When i see others enjoying themselves....having things that i only wish to have had...i envy them....i hate myself for not being able to achieve those things as well. I know there other people who have more serious problems...but people have to care for themselves before they care for others....and atm i'm struggling...
Physio...is it what i want to do...what do i even want to do...dentistry...i was so close..actually i was only off by 1 raw mark... fate is cruel sometimes...so close yet so far right..? and then what? she gets in - should she have deserved it - i cant judge but its a fact that i do envy her and maybe despise her for making it and i didn't.. and when i see the her there and im here...i just wonder..."what if"
so im doing umat again....i had a whole year last year..and i failed...what chances do i have this year when i'm occupied with uni...future looks dim...and maybe its time like these where i wish i am religious so i can pray in some way...but i'm not and even though i wish i could pray...i just dont believe things will work out...Time is wasting away and quickly too...What if i don't make it again...what then?...i'm wasting time...life...everything...
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Life of University (Week 2)
So the 2nd week of university has just finished. I guess it's much better than the first. I'm more adapted and have sort of developed a routine for it. This week went by faster than last week in my opinion. Maybe because everything just went by so fast and once again so much stuff i need to learn before the start of the next. Sigh, i don't know if i can keep this up, I'm already burnt out XD and on top of that i need to put some time in for UMAT. Need to get HD ....
Yes i am taking it again...hoping for med/dent. The subjects and content i am doing now is interesting and i like it...but any health science will...it's just that i don't see myself as a physiotherapy as of now so i dunno i shall retake it and hope for the best this time round...
Anyway this week, i might just keep it short. Nothing out of the ordinary really happened so there's not much to say. Just the same old, but i guess i like it this way sometimes. I won't call it being alone just i like "solitude" now and then.
Anyway last night i found out about Nu'est's new song "Face" and i find it really addictive. It's different and sounds good lol. Personally i like this song better than Exo's History but i find History's dance to be better choreographically (is a word?) but "Face's" choreo isn't that bad either. Now we have to wait for BTOB to debut and see how they are. Cube usually brings out good choreo so i'm hoping it will continue like that for them.
So i had a look about what the song was about and it seems it's pretty deep. Pretty much from what i gathered, it's about don't judge people based on their face etc. accept who you are and don't care what others think....
How interesting...
Yes i am taking it again...hoping for med/dent. The subjects and content i am doing now is interesting and i like it...but any health science will...it's just that i don't see myself as a physiotherapy as of now so i dunno i shall retake it and hope for the best this time round...
Anyway this week, i might just keep it short. Nothing out of the ordinary really happened so there's not much to say. Just the same old, but i guess i like it this way sometimes. I won't call it being alone just i like "solitude" now and then.
Anyway last night i found out about Nu'est's new song "Face" and i find it really addictive. It's different and sounds good lol. Personally i like this song better than Exo's History but i find History's dance to be better choreographically (is a word?) but "Face's" choreo isn't that bad either. Now we have to wait for BTOB to debut and see how they are. Cube usually brings out good choreo so i'm hoping it will continue like that for them.
So i had a look about what the song was about and it seems it's pretty deep. Pretty much from what i gathered, it's about don't judge people based on their face etc. accept who you are and don't care what others think....
How interesting...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Life of University - Week 1
Although i had resolved myself to try to post daily when university started i had misjudged the work and tiredness i felt as a result of having to go to university. So as a result, i have decided to do weekly posts around the Friday mark because that is the time where i have space to breathe this semester.
Anyway lets start by summarising what happened through each day of this week shall we:
Monday (Day 1)
So Monday was the 1st day to my new life as a university student and also begins a period of time where i have to wake up early for 8am lectures XD After a year of just sleeping in it is quite hard to adjust to. But on the first day i was able to do it somehow. So i caught the train to lidcombe where i then took the bus to Usyd. I dunno, the cumberland campus is good in the fact it is relatively close in terms of transport time but it just feels sort of isolated in the middle of nowhere compared to UNSW or the main USyd campus.
But yeh, moving on i made my way to the 1st lecture where i bumped into Brendan and he was full surprised by the fact i was doing Physio and we sort of had a catch up chat. Anyway he mentioned something about O-camp which i didn't even knew until he mentioned it. Mad. He met up with some of his friends he met on O-camp, a guy called Arkash. I was sort of intimidated by the fact i don't really know anyone and this campus is dominantly white so i find it quite difficult to fit in. So my 6 hour lecture in a row day began. My 1st lecture was about psychology and sociology, 2nd was about body systems and 3rd was about the musculoskeletal system. Today was mostly introduction for the first hour but the 2nd hour was filled with loads and loads of information coming at you. i experienced a bit last year at UNSW but experiencing it again is quite daunting. We go through whole objectives in freaking 1 lecture... Sigh so much stuff to learn is so little time. n
During the classes i was trying to look for at least some people i know and if not just looking for asians in general lol within the lecture theatre. I spotted a few but yeh. So it was 2pm when i finished and i decided to head on home for lunch...Cumberland has like no/limited food. So that was the first day, to be honest i am not sure how i will fit into this new environment, i can't imagine it yet at this point. Hopefully something will come along and help me meet new people.
Tuesday (Day 2)
So since the first week of University doesn't have any tutorials, today i had to get up at 6.30 to make a 1 hour lecture at 8am. It was a pain to do but the fact that i get to go home early afterwards was appealing. Antisocial much. Nothing in particular happened according to memory, just remember being flooded with new terms and concepts which i will do well to remember if i want to get a HD...sigh
Wednesday (Day 3)
Today was a bit better i had a 10am start but i decided to go to the 9am library class which taught us how to use the library system at Usyd. An extra hour of sleep really changes a lot, and i felt so much more attentive that day in general. After the 9am library class i made my way to the lecture theatre. Sat down on a spare seat and began to take down notes of the lecture. A bit afterwards saw brendan came in late and grab a seat a few rows in front of me.
After the lecture, i had a chat with Brendan and told him i would be grabbing lunch and then going to the library for the 4 hour break i had (because of no tutes in 1st week) to study and write notes. That 4 hour session was pretty good and i made a lot of progress with the notes. Anyway afterwards, went to the biomechanics lecture and it was pretty much introduction for the 1st hour and basic physics mechanics for the next. Honestly i didn't really learn anything new in that lecture and is probably something i can skip in the future maybe.
Ended at 5pm so me and brendan caught the same bus/train back home.highlight of the day, just as we reached liverpool station some drunk dude holding a bottle of black smirnoff came up to brendan and started swearing and threatening to smash his head with the bottle (or something along those lines). But We managed to escape without harm :D
Thursday (Day 4)
Last day of uni for the week and i was looking forward to the end of it. I need time to process everything i had learnt this week. We began at 9am with the anatomy practical (only class of the day). But the weatehr was horrible today. Raining/flooding all night and day which i found quite interesting because it's a rare occasion. In my particular group there were 4 tables and in the whole group only 3 guys...ah yep. and an even mix of white and asians kinda of girls. But yeh it's hard to get to know them lol. We spent the 2 hours examining bones and we saw a cadaver. In another group apparently someone fainted after seeing it.
Anyway afterwards again, caught bus and train with Brendan and headed on home.
So after a week I feel like i haven't really adjusted socially and only barely academically but yeh i guess it's ok. Though i do prefer to have at least one person i know and can talk to alot besides Brendan. Hmm...wonder what will happen next week. I don't really have a tute next week besides prac so it will be hard to meet new people. sigh what is uni life...
Outside of Uni
I haven't done much even outside of university. The things i learnt at university made me felt like i had to relearn and write notes as soon as i get home or i will definitely fall behind. So most of the nights of uni i had spent just writing up notes so i could spend the friday and weekends to revise them and be prepared for another week of hardcore learning. I guess i could say the friday is sort of my day off but even then i don't really have anything to do besides tv, reading a book and most other people are at uni, so sigh.
A side note: today is the very special birthday of our beloved kiddy Leader of SNSD, Kim Taeyeon :D yay. may she be happy and successful in this coming year.
Monday (Day 1)
So Monday was the 1st day to my new life as a university student and also begins a period of time where i have to wake up early for 8am lectures XD After a year of just sleeping in it is quite hard to adjust to. But on the first day i was able to do it somehow. So i caught the train to lidcombe where i then took the bus to Usyd. I dunno, the cumberland campus is good in the fact it is relatively close in terms of transport time but it just feels sort of isolated in the middle of nowhere compared to UNSW or the main USyd campus.
But yeh, moving on i made my way to the 1st lecture where i bumped into Brendan and he was full surprised by the fact i was doing Physio and we sort of had a catch up chat. Anyway he mentioned something about O-camp which i didn't even knew until he mentioned it. Mad. He met up with some of his friends he met on O-camp, a guy called Arkash. I was sort of intimidated by the fact i don't really know anyone and this campus is dominantly white so i find it quite difficult to fit in. So my 6 hour lecture in a row day began. My 1st lecture was about psychology and sociology, 2nd was about body systems and 3rd was about the musculoskeletal system. Today was mostly introduction for the first hour but the 2nd hour was filled with loads and loads of information coming at you. i experienced a bit last year at UNSW but experiencing it again is quite daunting. We go through whole objectives in freaking 1 lecture... Sigh so much stuff to learn is so little time. n
During the classes i was trying to look for at least some people i know and if not just looking for asians in general lol within the lecture theatre. I spotted a few but yeh. So it was 2pm when i finished and i decided to head on home for lunch...Cumberland has like no/limited food. So that was the first day, to be honest i am not sure how i will fit into this new environment, i can't imagine it yet at this point. Hopefully something will come along and help me meet new people.
Tuesday (Day 2)
So since the first week of University doesn't have any tutorials, today i had to get up at 6.30 to make a 1 hour lecture at 8am. It was a pain to do but the fact that i get to go home early afterwards was appealing. Antisocial much. Nothing in particular happened according to memory, just remember being flooded with new terms and concepts which i will do well to remember if i want to get a HD...sigh
Wednesday (Day 3)
Today was a bit better i had a 10am start but i decided to go to the 9am library class which taught us how to use the library system at Usyd. An extra hour of sleep really changes a lot, and i felt so much more attentive that day in general. After the 9am library class i made my way to the lecture theatre. Sat down on a spare seat and began to take down notes of the lecture. A bit afterwards saw brendan came in late and grab a seat a few rows in front of me.
After the lecture, i had a chat with Brendan and told him i would be grabbing lunch and then going to the library for the 4 hour break i had (because of no tutes in 1st week) to study and write notes. That 4 hour session was pretty good and i made a lot of progress with the notes. Anyway afterwards, went to the biomechanics lecture and it was pretty much introduction for the 1st hour and basic physics mechanics for the next. Honestly i didn't really learn anything new in that lecture and is probably something i can skip in the future maybe.
Ended at 5pm so me and brendan caught the same bus/train back home.highlight of the day, just as we reached liverpool station some drunk dude holding a bottle of black smirnoff came up to brendan and started swearing and threatening to smash his head with the bottle (or something along those lines). But We managed to escape without harm :D
Thursday (Day 4)
Last day of uni for the week and i was looking forward to the end of it. I need time to process everything i had learnt this week. We began at 9am with the anatomy practical (only class of the day). But the weatehr was horrible today. Raining/flooding all night and day which i found quite interesting because it's a rare occasion. In my particular group there were 4 tables and in the whole group only 3 guys...ah yep. and an even mix of white and asians kinda of girls. But yeh it's hard to get to know them lol. We spent the 2 hours examining bones and we saw a cadaver. In another group apparently someone fainted after seeing it.
Anyway afterwards again, caught bus and train with Brendan and headed on home.
So after a week I feel like i haven't really adjusted socially and only barely academically but yeh i guess it's ok. Though i do prefer to have at least one person i know and can talk to alot besides Brendan. Hmm...wonder what will happen next week. I don't really have a tute next week besides prac so it will be hard to meet new people. sigh what is uni life...
Outside of Uni
I haven't done much even outside of university. The things i learnt at university made me felt like i had to relearn and write notes as soon as i get home or i will definitely fall behind. So most of the nights of uni i had spent just writing up notes so i could spend the friday and weekends to revise them and be prepared for another week of hardcore learning. I guess i could say the friday is sort of my day off but even then i don't really have anything to do besides tv, reading a book and most other people are at uni, so sigh.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
February 29, 2012
So today we had one of those special days that only occur once every 4 years. Yes i am talking about February 29th that occurs every leap year. Maybe it's something about the date but today in the K-pop scene lots of comebacks and new songs were released and maybe because it's a special date that they chose to do it today. Well today marks the official comeback of Big Bang with the release of their 5th Mini Album "Alive" as well as new Japanese songs from Kara, T-ara and Rainbow being "Speed Up", "Lies" and "Gonna Gonna Go" respectively.
Anyway besides k-pop on this day, I wanted to blog today because it only occurs once every 4 years and by blogging i hope this will mark as a beginning point and so in the next February 29th in 2016 i can compare it to now and see what has changed since. Hopefully things will become better :D
Big Bang - Blue
Kara - Speed Up
T-ara - Lies
Rainbow - Gonna Gonna Go
Anyway besides k-pop on this day, I wanted to blog today because it only occurs once every 4 years and by blogging i hope this will mark as a beginning point and so in the next February 29th in 2016 i can compare it to now and see what has changed since. Hopefully things will become better :D
Life of University - Day 0.5 (Orientation Week)
Weather: Raining and Humid
{Boyfriend - You & I}
Today i woke up around 8am but when i saw the sky was still pretty dark I comfortable went back to sleep. It is on days like these where you just want to sleep comfortable on your bed for the whole day :D But since today i wanted to go to USyd's O-week i had to wake up around 9.30 and left the house around 10. I intended to go look for any freebies that i can find and also meet up with Robert for a while.
{Beast - Breath}
So i got on the train and to occupy the long hour ride i listened to music on my phone using the new ear phones that came with the phone that i have yet to used. Must i say it's actually pretty good for listening to quality music. So i got off Redfern and walked towards USyd and the rain does not make it a relaxing walk XD Anyway i got to the main campus and had a look around. But i ended up quite disappointed i couldn't find a lot of freebie stores such as the Officeworks one at UNSW but i manage to get free drinks as well as a Cinebuzz card.
{Big Bang - Haru Haru}
After scouting around and decided that there was nothing else i could find i headed towards market city to grab lunch. It was quite a long walk. Anyway after lunch, i walked towards Chinatown to check out the music store i always go to. And it was funny because the tv from the store was showing one of SNSD's concert and if there wasn't another two guys standing there staring i might have ended doing the same also lol but yeah i didn't. So after some random walking and looking around, Robert texted me to say he was on his way to the city so i waited for him at Central station. We met up and we exchanged our recent happenings as we walked towards town hall even though we weren't sure where or what we were doing yet lol. He taught me teh ways of saving money :D Got to town hall Macca's and robert bought his lunch and we sat there for a while talking some more and after that decided we should head on home.
{Big Bang - Koe o Kikasete}
So yeah that's basically my day and nothing much happened after that. University for me will be starting soon. In a way i'm excited to get started and start learning new things :D
{Boyfriend - You & I}
Today i woke up around 8am but when i saw the sky was still pretty dark I comfortable went back to sleep. It is on days like these where you just want to sleep comfortable on your bed for the whole day :D But since today i wanted to go to USyd's O-week i had to wake up around 9.30 and left the house around 10. I intended to go look for any freebies that i can find and also meet up with Robert for a while.
{Beast - Breath}
So i got on the train and to occupy the long hour ride i listened to music on my phone using the new ear phones that came with the phone that i have yet to used. Must i say it's actually pretty good for listening to quality music. So i got off Redfern and walked towards USyd and the rain does not make it a relaxing walk XD Anyway i got to the main campus and had a look around. But i ended up quite disappointed i couldn't find a lot of freebie stores such as the Officeworks one at UNSW but i manage to get free drinks as well as a Cinebuzz card.
{Big Bang - Haru Haru}
After scouting around and decided that there was nothing else i could find i headed towards market city to grab lunch. It was quite a long walk. Anyway after lunch, i walked towards Chinatown to check out the music store i always go to. And it was funny because the tv from the store was showing one of SNSD's concert and if there wasn't another two guys standing there staring i might have ended doing the same also lol but yeah i didn't. So after some random walking and looking around, Robert texted me to say he was on his way to the city so i waited for him at Central station. We met up and we exchanged our recent happenings as we walked towards town hall even though we weren't sure where or what we were doing yet lol. He taught me teh ways of saving money :D Got to town hall Macca's and robert bought his lunch and we sat there for a while talking some more and after that decided we should head on home.
{Big Bang - Koe o Kikasete}
So yeah that's basically my day and nothing much happened after that. University for me will be starting soon. In a way i'm excited to get started and start learning new things :D
Monday, February 27, 2012
Life of University - Day 0 (Orientation Day)
Weather: Sunny and Humid
{Big Bang - Blue}
Today was Orientation Day for Health Sciences. For those who don't know, this year i will be doing Bachelor of Applied Science (Physiotherapy). After last year, one of the worst times of my life, i hope this new start will bring about new elements into my life and allow me to change for the better. So today marks the start of what i hope to be a good year but so far it seems nothing has changed.
To be honest, i believe i am a very self conscious person, and i take it very personal about how people view me. Yes, i know it is not wise to that, i have told myself many times that i shouldn't. But it is something that has been built into me and i can only hope that through new experiences and time i can get out of this awful habit. As a result of this, i guess i find it really hard to express myself to people i do not know well and also definitely make it difficult for me to make friends with new people. I always get the feeling i give a bad impression and from there it's downhill. But i'll try to change, try my best to make something of this year. Though at this point i am not sure how.
{Big Bang - Koe o Kikasete}
Well back to the topic of Orientation day. Woke up around 7, but man waking up is such a hard thing to do when sleeping feels so good lol. Anyway because of Orientation Day i couldn't go pick up my sister from the airport but more on that later. Anyway so i caught the train to Lidcombe and i was quite surprised by the line for the bus to USYD. Anyway i saw a few hurlstone people though i tried to avoid them (though i dunno why, self consciousness again?)
{Tablo - Tomorrow}
So i got to USyd and made my way to the lecture theater where the orientation was held and saw even more hurlstoners though i think they saw me but yeah i didn't greet them. After that i went to student central to pick up my student id and then just barely made it to the Physiotherapy talk. I was actually quite surprised. There were more asians than i expected (Physiotherapy always appeared to me as a white male dominated course) but i would say there was about 50/50 Asians to white and also quite more females than expected. Anyway i tried to look for Brendan though i didn't find him in the theater. Afterwards, i walked around the uni a bit to find out about some textbooks and stuff and i believe i saw Brendan being guided around by a volunteer. But i didn't go up to him. (Why didn't i? i really don't know...too troublesome..can't be bothered...?) Anyway after that I decided to leave and set out for home
Anyway got home and was prepared to receive souvenirs from my sister. Anyway i was quite content with what i got. I got a Kingdom Heart's Sora Figurine from the Square Enix store (~$120), A Final Fantasy X Tidus small figurine, Zekrom small figurine, a leather bag and i think that was it. But yeah it was good :D
I think i would end it with that today.
{Big Bang - Blue}
Today was Orientation Day for Health Sciences. For those who don't know, this year i will be doing Bachelor of Applied Science (Physiotherapy). After last year, one of the worst times of my life, i hope this new start will bring about new elements into my life and allow me to change for the better. So today marks the start of what i hope to be a good year but so far it seems nothing has changed.
To be honest, i believe i am a very self conscious person, and i take it very personal about how people view me. Yes, i know it is not wise to that, i have told myself many times that i shouldn't. But it is something that has been built into me and i can only hope that through new experiences and time i can get out of this awful habit. As a result of this, i guess i find it really hard to express myself to people i do not know well and also definitely make it difficult for me to make friends with new people. I always get the feeling i give a bad impression and from there it's downhill. But i'll try to change, try my best to make something of this year. Though at this point i am not sure how.
{Big Bang - Koe o Kikasete}
Well back to the topic of Orientation day. Woke up around 7, but man waking up is such a hard thing to do when sleeping feels so good lol. Anyway because of Orientation Day i couldn't go pick up my sister from the airport but more on that later. Anyway so i caught the train to Lidcombe and i was quite surprised by the line for the bus to USYD. Anyway i saw a few hurlstone people though i tried to avoid them (though i dunno why, self consciousness again?)
{Tablo - Tomorrow}
So i got to USyd and made my way to the lecture theater where the orientation was held and saw even more hurlstoners though i think they saw me but yeah i didn't greet them. After that i went to student central to pick up my student id and then just barely made it to the Physiotherapy talk. I was actually quite surprised. There were more asians than i expected (Physiotherapy always appeared to me as a white male dominated course) but i would say there was about 50/50 Asians to white and also quite more females than expected. Anyway i tried to look for Brendan though i didn't find him in the theater. Afterwards, i walked around the uni a bit to find out about some textbooks and stuff and i believe i saw Brendan being guided around by a volunteer. But i didn't go up to him. (Why didn't i? i really don't know...too troublesome..can't be bothered...?) Anyway after that I decided to leave and set out for home
Anyway got home and was prepared to receive souvenirs from my sister. Anyway i was quite content with what i got. I got a Kingdom Heart's Sora Figurine from the Square Enix store (~$120), A Final Fantasy X Tidus small figurine, Zekrom small figurine, a leather bag and i think that was it. But yeah it was good :D
I think i would end it with that today.
Reviving the Forgotten
Its been over 3 years since I created this blog spot and over 3 years since I last posted. A lot of things happened between then and now and what's more important is that a lot of things have changed since then. 3 years...not too short nor too long... a long enough period of time for things to occur yet not too long that things are forgotten. In that time, people came and go, many road blocks and challenges appeared and ultimately made me question everything that's important to me.
So from this point onward, i will post about my daily happenings (hopefully) and hope to reflect each day of things that have happened. Until then.
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