Envy

It's been two months since i last blogged. Guess i gave up on my resolution to blog regularly...to express myself better. Not enough time? i doubt it there's always time where i spent doing nothing. CBB more likely. I dunno something came over me today a sudden surge of depression hit me....i think i just came face to face with reality again...it's funny

People usually fit uni around social lives but i fit social lives( or lack of) around uni. All i can say is that i came to realise that i am really not living my life to the fullest. If i died tomorrow ill regret that i havent lived my life the way i 'wanted' to. It's sad but yet no matter how much i want it, to pursue it i just cant do it. it's pathetic of me seriously. I shouldn't complain really, it's my fault that i dont strive to live the life i want to . i'm just hesitating hoping it will come to me. Afraid to take a step out of my comfort zone yet wanting to be out of it

I think it really hit me because i realised my lack of social interaction skills and my situation in general. I see 'people who i wont name' living life, experiencing new things, free from worries, career paths set and enjoying uni while i sit here thinking to myself...i could have been them but it just wasn't meant to be...well up till now.

I dunno...i'm just filled with so many insecurities my whole life...when i think back on it...i just keep thinking my life has always had a problem in it one way or another...and everytime when one problem finally ended another one comes up... Right now i still have a problem...unsure of my career path....unsure of my social life...unsure of everything....is it because i expect too much....? i really don't know.

When i see others enjoying themselves....having things that i only wish to have had...i envy them....i hate myself for not being able to achieve those things as well. I know there other people who have more serious problems...but people have to care for themselves before they care for others....and atm i'm struggling...

Physio...is it what i want to do...what do i even want to do...dentistry...i was so close..actually i was only off by 1 raw mark... fate is cruel sometimes...so close yet so far right..? and then what? she gets in - should she have deserved it - i cant judge but its a fact that i do envy her and maybe despise her for making it and i didn't.. and when i see the her there and im here...i just wonder..."what if"

so im doing umat again....i had a whole year last year..and i failed...what chances do i have this year when i'm occupied with uni...future looks dim...and maybe its time like these where i wish i am religious so i can pray in some way...but i'm not and even though i wish i could pray...i just dont  believe things will work out...Time is wasting away and quickly too...What if i don't make it again...what then?...i'm wasting time...life...everything...